I went for a drive today…I haven’t in a long time, as I haven’t felt the need…today…I brought myself to tears as I was thinking out loud…Yes, formulating a blog post because I didn’t want to clutter Facebook, and wanted to give you the option of reading or not…If you are reading, thank you.

I have talked bout the rings of a tree being a marker of sorts for the events of a year in the lifetime of a tree.  We humans….we mark time in terms of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years….We mark life in terms of events and celebrate or mourn on the anniversaries of the milestone events in our lives.  Time.  Constant.

I then started thinking about another ring….the one created when we drop a stone in a calm body of water.  I think of the rock as our spirit.  The bigger the spirit, or the more we exercise it, the bigger the stone…the bigger/longer-lasting the rings.  The farther the reach…and still visible even when the rock is not.

I believe that prior to birth, our souls were waiting for the opportunity to feel physical pain and emotional pain.  To learn about happiness and sadness.  To learn. We learn through our life experience that there is opposition in all things (love/hate…life/death…happiness/sadness) and we also learn that everything we HAVE is temporary…and everything we LEARN, we keep…and the only thing over which we have absolute control is CHOICE.  One cannot fully appreciate one, without experiencing the other.

The  holidays bring their own set of challenges for those of us who “get through” them.  Please don’t misunderstand.  I love the music.  I love the decorations.  I love family traditions.  I love the spirit we feel with each other…somehow more open and loving than at any other time of year (except maybe funerals).  But those feelings come at a cost.  Because with all of that…some of us mark the holidays with a longing for those that are no longer with us…for traditions we no longer celebrate.  For some, they are significant.  We feel the pain, the loss, the heartache…

We are still getting used to living in a different space, with different everything…we love it all.  But what we treasure most, we never lost:  Faith, Memories, our FAMILY, and HAPPINESS.

Why was today’s drive so emotional?  A dear woman passed away yesterday.  She was known and loved by almost everyone she met.  Her influence was far greater than she knew.  And she passed on January 9.  January.  Over the last two months I have seen a number of my friends lose a dear one (fathers, brothers, mothers, sisters, husbands and wives)…most AFTER Christmas.  Significant because it meant “they got through the holidays.”  And if before Christmas, they looked up and “got through the holidays”.  I know of others who have lost family in January.  Let me share with you just a little…

The best Christmas I can remember was 1987.  I am sure when I was little they were awesome, and I do remember the traditions we had with parents, and obligatory  visits with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins….but in 1987 it was simpler.  Mom was dying.  She was house-bound and attached to oxygen.  She was holding on…to “get through” Christmas.  I did all of the baking for the neighbors (we had exchanged Christmas treats with the neighbors since the week before Christmas 1966 when we moved in).  Dad gave us the Christmas money (my sister and me) to do the shopping…gifts and stockings.  There was my mom…on the couch, almost child-like in her joy and surprise at the stockings and thoughtfulness of the gifts.  She passed away on January 14, 1988 (yes…30 years ago this coming Sunday).  Mom’s short stint in the hospital and the one opportunity to visit before she passed, left me with nightmares for years…

Let’s fast forward to the week of December 7, 2007 (almost 20 years later).  Dad was in hospice (unheard of back in 1988).  We watched the care that was taken to keep him comfortable.  We were able to sit in his room…hold his hands, rub his legs, wipe his mouth, feed him ice chips, and take care of the man who took care of us.  We watched football (the Pats were headed for an undefeated season – until they faced Chuck Wert’s Giants), we ate pizza and reminisced.  We were present and he was present.  He passed away, alone (we were on our way…) on December 7…just a little more than 10 years ago….

I am reminded of the song “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,”  and the line: ‘through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow.’  The fates don’t allow.  Death is NO respecter of persons.  They say if you want to make God laugh, tell Him you have plans.

No…I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays…but if I have learned anything?  Don’t expect to be together through the years…tell those people you love that you love them.  Don’t save it for the holidays!  Tell your heroes they are your heroes, before you no longer have the chance.  Tell those people in your life who have made a difference, that they MATTER to you.  I told Joanie more than once.  I told her I loved her more than once.  I know she knew.  There are those who are in your life, and they matter…and there are those who impacted your life in ways you don’t even think of, until they are no longer with us.

Yeah…I cried…and now I will be busy letting you know you make a difference.  I may have told you I love you.  I may tell you more than I should…but too bad.  We ALL have struggles.  Time is constant.  Seasons come and go.  Some move faster than others…some are harder than others.

The circle of life is perfect.  Next time you drop a pebble in the water…Don’t forget to remember. Don’t forget.  You have many circles, and you may not ever know how far they reach.